Some Random Render Time Works

I'm drawing a lot again, but i've become way to lazy to scan or take pictures but hey i'm doing things anyway :P

So here are them some random render time works. 

(Obviously that means that i made them while my computer was on render time, duh! ) 

This is "medumuffin boy" a silly thing with a jellyfish and a cupcake, for one of my friends.

Well this three were not made in render time, they were made in waiting time, waiting in the car, waiting the plane, waiting in the living room, on my last trip to Deustchland, aah and i'm about to leave soon again :) so happy for that.

Just a pencil Sketch :3

I usually never use pencil, but i love it anyway aaah graphite feeling.

Another pencil sketch, and no i don't want to flip the image xD

A Jelly Fish :) for my lovely friend ishi-ni

Parts of an illustration project

Another sketch, Chimera!

Be Gone

How many times should i say to stop looking here for what is not?

Get your life and keep away from mine.

How many years have passed? I don't want such kind of thing attached to me.

And i will not.

If you can't find peace of mind and spirit content, don't try to take it from others, find your way staying out of mine.

Even when i should, i don't hold any grudge, i'm always beyond all that.

Stop hiding behind ridiculous mask for i don't care about anything you want to say, you don't have any rigth to even say a word to me, why should i tolerate you?

Go away, be gone.

Soon...

Well i have to say that i have certain tendence to forget about this, i'm a regular writer, i don't draw much lately, and my paintings are all on stand by, again, my life is revolting... at least, and why don't say it, i'm lazy to living, or at least it seems sometimes, it's ok. I just need to decide to do somethin seriously and i'll do it.
Is just that i've been wandering on the edge of the abyss for too long and too much, i think i'm in love with that madness.

I'm about to going on adventure, such one that is awesome, it happened so quick? or just in time.
I've learned a lot about the world, other people, and, most important, about me.
I've grown up, but i'm an eternal child. My skin chills. It's getting closer.

Soon... only a few days more... and i'll get to see someone who's dear to me :)
I can't wait, i'm scared & excited.

Soon, very soon.

Bye, bye Mexico, Hallo Deutschland :)

┼פ[A part of an All]¤×┼

I'm so fucking sick of people,
betrayal after betrayal after betrayal.
Disolation, Lies, more and more.


What else can i say?
Can u think that can come and smile at me like if nothing ever happened?

No matter how hard the life gets... without empathy you're more than lost.
Is not about of "walking in other people's shoes" is more like caring for the people u care.
That's the way i managed to do that, i can't feel the way they feel, or understand at all, but i do care, my loved ones are the most important thing to me.

I don't have sweet words, that's true, i'm harsh, at least... but i learn to care about the ones i care. That includes my harshness to them.

I wanted to say to someone that something is very broken inside of me, i certainly can not trust or believe in anybody now, that's true as well, i've my reasons, many reasons, if those are good or lame i can not tell, but i have them.

No matter if someone like me dies tonight, the world will keep on rolling as the sun continues his raising, nothing will change, nor  a dream, nor a feeling, nor a quest, not even those u care about, their only option is keep on rolling, nothing will wait for you, no one will stay, there's no hand to reach out.

I need someone who's not afraid of reaching the stars, someone who dares to fly away with me, a man and not a frightened boy, someone educated enough to enjoy the arts with me, someone smart enough to not be a part of the flock, someone who love laying on the grass to look at the stars and wander about it... are they still sparkling in the distance? I need someone brave enough to face me, someone who fight for his beliefs and willing to stand for it, and for me. I've said before i'm a one who has to be cared or has to be taken care of. Is not that i can't i just that i don't care, i get distracted by the fun of the way.

And i know there's no one, i'm a one from a extinted race. A true lover, as lame as it sounds.


Here i'm surrounded of cowards, no one would ever look at the light of the moon, they have lost of the way, just pretending to be, but at the first sign of dissaproval or danger runs and change, fake chameleons, possers...sheeps.

┼פ[A shout in to nothing]¤×┼

Once again i start to get a little concious of my chaos, so i go to my inner shadow to heal some wounds and to bleed till death,at least a part of me, living has an enormous cost, sometimes the lifes of others, and with their departure a part of my life is taken away, so i keep on dying to breath at the next day.

I've been so busy in this sad sick world, activism, cyberactivism, work, all that i do every day, all my beliefs that seems to be pointless at many times, people just don't care about their own kind, how can i expect that them care about another race, even about this world, this planet...

It's a week since my beloved girl lefted this fucking world, and i can't stand her absens, i cry at the emptiness of her room... her smell has finally faded away... her mate is the most afected, he just lay outside her room all time, her daughter cries a little now and then, her son run into her room to give her toys, or flowers or something, he forget that she's not there anymore, and then go out with his face down... none of them even try to enter at her room, not even when the rain falls... my pack lost a member, and we all miss her so much, that our tears can't dry, in this very moment they're runing on my face...

I got a little sick on this past days, i was on a bussiness trip along with some people from the company where i work as designer, i don't talk about it much in here, and don't talk about the things i do or write in here at work, but just to clear it, i work at an advertising agency, i've a graphic designer degree after all...

But well, i got sick of the people, we had to share a big amount of time so they now know more about me, for example that i am vegan, a proanimal rights, and more goth that they tough :P, they had the opportunity to see my 'real' presence, not the -casual- one i have the tendence to show at work (almost no make-up, jeans, lame t-shirt to put on the lame uniform shirt...), of course they don't even understand what a vegan is, and they even laugh and tried to anger me or something like that each time they eated meat (they even take me to a "butcher's house restaurant" called Angus), i had an awesome dessert (flamed strawberries with chocolate, strawberri liquor and ron)  when they were eating corpses. When we went to the Banamex Center to the expo one of them said "who cares park there" pointing to a handicapped parking space ¬¬ what an asshole ignorant dumb bitch, i just said loud and clear "don't even think so"... and more things like that... i can't stand people, i'm happy with my animal friends i had the fortune to meet an awesome and cute pup, one swiss german sheppard, what a lovely white wolfy... but he reminded me my Cammy so much, he was frigthened at first but then he was waging his tail and licking me, he's a sweet heart, i hope to see him again, big, strong, healty and more important happy, he's at my boss house now...

aah... yeah, the art part... i haven't uploaded anything in months... or years? i've been making a lot of paintings, but i destroyed them again, deleted the digital ones... trowing away others... but i've so many ongoing i hope to finish one or more soon to start to get "at day" again... anyway, i think this is all for the moment, so farewell, till the next crossing path

sign & spread

I have been, very busy, and in a sad way... please read all of this, sign the petition and spread the word...

Taken on 13/08/11


*Note* I used an automatic translator for the note down here, i don't have much time to write it properly.
STOP DOG SLAUGHTERING FOR MONEY

Manuel Baldenebro Arredondo mayor in San Luis Río Colorado, Sonora (México) is giving away money (like 20 us dlls) to citizens in exchange of hunting dogs without home in order to sacrifice them due overpopulation.
Giving away money in exchange of dogs for sacrifice is against society values (AND ILEGAL AUTHORITIES ARE NOT LISTENING), it promotes animal cruelty and also rewards it.
The mayor of SLRC in an interview with an animal protection organization commented that the action taken has worked very well and has no plans to stop.

Twiter Dr. Baldenebro
@ DrBalde Dr. Baldenebro:
If the people of animal welfare value the life of a stray dog over a human being I DO NOT!

After all he said and said this man is cowardly and hypocritical denying everything I just discussed in the news Cadena 3, it is now 20 dollars that were to bring dogs to a shelter and he is in favor of life, this is a INSULT, TO DENY EVERYTHING!
then what about the 17'000 dead dogs?

Is happening what is expected from these aberrant measures, people are bringing their own dogs to get rid of them and also stolen dogs ... unfortunate that not only the performance of the mayor, council and council to approve these outrageous actions but also the people of this city ...
In San Luis Rio Colorado, Sonora, Mayor, Dr. Manuel de Jesus Arredondo Baldenebro offers a lot of money for killing dogs and cats in the municipality, which is unwise as to call people, not know anything about animals exposed to handling and also encourages citizens to cruel.
All this brutality devoid of any sense of ethics and adherence to the law is a bad example for children and young people will learn to be violent and abusive, and that the government will reward the brutality and complicity in the murder of innocents. It is a dangerous to have such people in the public sector.

The problem of the killing of dogs in San Luis Colorado has not stopped, no public servant has responded to the letters that various organizations and independent activists have sent.
The Private Secretary to Dr. Alonso Montes said he did not intend Pineapple invest NOTHING in ethical dog control programs, they believe in the results so far with which seek to destroy at least 60,000 dogs as they are a serious public health problem.
Animals are not things and the modus operandi of these people only evidence: the problem of animal ignorance, lack of channels of solution and form of government that encourages violence, lack of control and social breakdown.
The astonished citizens see how to proceed from the authorities encouraging citizens to abuse, murdered and otherwise the total ignorance of the laws governing the country.
Does he know Mr. Baldenebro that responsible ownership is the main source to solve the problem? Is he aware that their "measures" the only thing that is generating is a more cruel and ignorant to animals? What will stop tomorrow, remove children, the elderly women because they are too and are a problem for the government and society?

Therefore, we so unmediated The removal of this person in public office: Dr. Manuel de Jesus Baldenebro Arredondo (Mayor of San Luis Rio Colorado, Sonora); also asked authorities to intervene and end the slaughter of dogs as each day passes between "talks" more animals are killed and more citizens are wrong idea of the deal for them.

We call a trained person, you can report problems, accountable and committed to social good take that position. No more killings to innocent people who can not defend that result from our lack of education in his tenure.

We make international community aware of this case, ask for your intervention and outside our repudiation of a government that respects no laws, does not educate its citizens and acts of violence

SAN LUIS RIO COLORADO know that I am not, nor all who have commented here, much less the few people who attended the camp, but the international community that the repudiated not only the mayor, its people, 2 years allowing more than 17'000 dogs delivered no doubt people are cruel and without values.

There is no legal provision stipulating that mayors can summon people to catch dogs in exchange for forgiveness of payments, the mayor administrative liability. Furthermore, the absence of any declaration of federal or state health or environment to determine the dogs as a threat to health, is strictly prohibited to kill animals not used for consumption, so that the mayor has violated the Federal Law of Animal Health.

EXPRESS newspaper:

Hermosillo, Son .- In his administration, the mayor of San Luis Rio Colorado, Manuel Arredondo Baldenebro has received 17 000 stray dogs are killed and 200 pesos of debt written off with the commune to the person who delivered.

Recently, groups in favor of the animals showed their discontent through social networks, where they were cataloged to the municipal border of the murderer, saying that there are better ways to take care of the canine overpopulation. For his part, he says that this has "blown" in recent days due to political issues.

Baldenebro Arredondo explained that this program that began with his administration aims to join the other activities of, such as sterilization twice a week and adoption of homeless animals, adding that he is against animal sacrifice, and would prefer sterilization, but says it is necessary to solve the problem.

"We found that the stray dogs in San Luis is a health problem, because stray dogs are a vector for infections of the skin, apart from weather, is a problem for people allergic asthma in situations and promote infections " said him.

He added that the municipality has a census of 70 000 dogs, stray and no, the aim is to control them, for this reason we sought this measure, but said it is not about creating a hunting dog, accepted as only a dog x house to make valid the discount.

As for how it carries out the process, the Mayor of San Luis said that it is a human process in which first the pet sleeps and then injected with a substance that stops his heart and "suffer any pain. "
Yeah just look the photo and try to tell me that again....
 _____

This is the petition:

http://www.change.org/peti​tions/manuel-baldenebro-ar​redondo-stop-dog-slaughter​ing-for-money
_____

The note in Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/notes/lux-astoreth-tenebras/stop-dog-slaughtering-for-money/257360884291836

___

Spanish version:
http://www.facebook.com/notes/lux-astoreth-tenebras/san-luis-rio-colorado-pueblo-de-gente-cruel-y-sin-valores/255727174455207

Alemuchien~

Querida Malquerida, esto es culpa mía, fui demasiado cortés y paciente contigo, ya te había dicho que tendría consecuencias, te recomiendo internarte en el psiquiátrico de tu elección cuanto antes, quizá tu cerebro no sea aún una pérdida total, mucha terapia y psicotrópicos podrían darte una personalidad autosuficiente. También consigue un diccionario, así sabrás un poco mejor lo que te diga la gente y quizá comprendas, además de aprender a escribir como la persona en edad y nivel profesional que se supone que eres.

Así mismo, te recomiendo comenzar a quererte un poquito y aceptarte, y a ver las cosas como son, hay un viejo y conocido refrán que dice que no hay más ciego que el que no quiere ver, aunque tú no lo pienses, creas, ni aceptes, no cargo ninguna culpa, porque jamás hice algo indebido, pues yo valoro mis creencias y forma de vida. Si alguien me miente y/o engaña lo natural es ser desechado, y lo sano es con un poco de dolor que sane en lugar de ira que cezca, cuando uno acepta las cosas y no se engaña así mismo encuentra la paz, ya te he dicho que si tú no eres capaz de encontrar la paz en tu vida no vengas a perturbar la mía

Pero si quieres aferrarte a tus mentiras sigue en tu llanto agrio a diario, púdrete en las emanaciones tóxicas de tus entrañas, no vengas a contaminar mi espacio, se harán las notificaciones pertinentes para los procesos de limpieza, a mi no me importa lo que hagas, ni con quien lo hagas, mucho menos lo que alguien que se miente a sí mismo y engaña a los demás haciéndose la víctima.


En otras cosas aledañas deja de frecuentar mis páginas, yo escribo y digo lo que se me ocurre en el momento, así parezca cíclico en ocasiones, ya que reflexiono las cosas y las analizo a veces de más, son cosas que escribo para recordar de esos momentos las palabras, lo dejo público porque en primer lugar no me molesta que se sepa como soy, no tengo que esconder y nunca tendré, y en segundo porque a veces, las personas cercanas y alguno que otro desconocido aportan comentarios enriquecedores o que me sirven para ver otras perspectivas.
Para contestarte lo demás, yo no "creo páginas para hablar de alguien" uno sólo tiene derecho a hablar de sí mismo, jamás pondría las palabras de otros, o las fotos de otros porque eso sería invasión a confianza y vida ajena. Incluso mi propia página dice ego, ego= yo por ende hablo de mí y sólo de mí. Cuando enlisto un "sentimiento" hablo de él por si mismo, jamás de una persona, pues al ponerle cara a los sucesos se pierde el enfoque, y así, al mantenerlo impersonal se puede crear fluidez de intercambio. En fin, deja de buscar aquí lo que no hay, enfrenta las cosas en tu vida y apártate del camino de otros, en especial de aquellos que no tienen nada que ver contigo, frecuenta a tus amigos a las personas que quieres, enfócate a ellos, y si eso no te basta para conocerte y conocerlos... me importa nada, te he bloqueado de todo lo demás porque me dan urticaría las falacias no pensadas y la verborrea sin estructura lineal ni arquitectura, ahora he desactivado los anónimos de este lugar as well, lo cual considero una pérdida lamentable y restrictiva.

Trata con todo tu ser de buscarte una vida y vivirla, de quererte para que dejes de intentar forzar a otros, de encontrar en tí y en los tuyos la serenidad para ser y estar, los intrusos son siempre hechados, las alimañas eliminadas, nadie mantiene en casa la basura.

┼פ[Hunting for a Dream]¤×┼

Am I hunting for a dream?


Oh i used to think that,
running in the night,
swimming throught tears,
sadness, anger....
what's the difference?

Nothing has changed.
No, i'm wrong. A lot has changed.
My soul, my heart, even the air is not the same.

But myself remains, i'm alive...
just because i haven't stop breathing,
i don't have anything to keep going...

Yeah, still sometimes i look at the sky and don't even want to try,
living without porpouse, without wishes, without desires...
what the heck is this suppossed to be? the so called life?

I don't want it. Just vanish.
I can't see you, i can't hear you,
I CAN'T FEEL YOU

But i remember, i remember the long lost memories,
i'm closing my wounds, stiching them with sorrow,
my flesh is rotting, my soul is dying, my heart...

Where is my heart?

Ah... that's right...
is on the kiss of the wind,
in the light of the moon,
in the cry of the stars...
is on the eyes of my 'kids',
my lovely animal companies...
their fanged smiles... the hugs of their paws...
 is on the ones i still care...
but day by day i care for less. 

Oh my dearest dear...
when will i be able to reach you?
when you will hold me close?
I don't want this, never wanted this.
My death, when you'll come for me?

I don't belong to this world,
this world doesn't belongs to me,
i 've felted that in the very earth since the first day,
i can't continue this... i don't want this human life,
why do i have to born human?
 How can i go back to be what i used to be?
I don't remember how to get back my claws...
this spell, this curse... how can i break it?

Only death can free me,
and i can't summon it...
a promise prevents me from suicide,
even when i can't think in other thing,
i'll continue being alive... as long as my i don't stop breathing.

But i refuse to do it, i refuse to fight for it, there's no life for me in this world...
How i wish for go back to the deep dark abyss that conceived me.
Or for a final and true death...

I don't have any reason or will to continue living.
This is not a complaint... is not a pray...
i just ask... why anybody gives me one?

A lot talk, a few sweet talk, but...
no ones do anything...
they give up so easily...
that's the reason i can't trust you,
i'll neve trust in someone who says one thing and does another,
not in someone who can't keep their word...
i'm not a one who ask someone to do things for me,
neither "proofs" of so called "love",
but when someone says that will do something, and don't...
i can't be helped, i become dissapointed about that person...

Ah again my writing is random about many things...
but i don't care... i know that there's no one to read this besides me,
and, in the case of someone read this, will not care... cuz i always say what i tought,
and this is a small part... of all my inner chaos 

┼פ[Atares]¤×┼

Quiero dormir profundamente
Quiero abrir los ojos y quedarme ciega.
Quiero quemarles con mi mirada.
Quiero mandarle a la chingada y decirle que le amo.
Quiero matarlos a todos, quiero que me maten.
Quiero arrojarme al fondo de un desfiladero, quiero subir una montaña.
Quiero decirte que te vayas al demonio, aunque no sepa quien eres o que haces leyendo esto.

Quiero manifestar mi odio hacia todo en general y nada en concreto.
Quiero destruir. Quiero matarte.

Quiero arrancarme el corazón, dejar de sentir.

Quiero que se atrevan a curarme.
Quiero que levantes los ojos cuando te hablo, quiero que me mires.
Quiero que veas la verdad que ostento.
Quiero engañarte para que no me quieras.

Quiero querer de verdad.
Quiero dejar de querer.

Quiero matarme.
Quiero que me dejen en paz.
Quiero decirle que le amo, que se largue de mi vida, que se pudra junto con todo lo que siento.
Quiero que no dejen de insistir.
Quiero que me enseñen.
Quiero que me importen.
Quiero importarles.

Quiero dejar de tener miedo.
Quiero una razón para quedarme.
Quiero crear.
Quiero creer.

Te quiero a tí.

Quiero lo que quiero y no quiero esperar.

Quiero abrir mis ojos y verte frente a mí.
Quiero que cierres los ojos mientras me desvanezco.

Quiero querer que quieras querer.

┼פ[Fiercely devoted to Tear II]¤×┼

Día 06

...empezó lento y pesado...
a la mitad la euphoria...
en el transcurso la impaciencia...
al final la mezcla...

cuarto paso...
desconozco el terreno que piso.

Día 07

....domir sin soñar, despertar sin vivir...
oscuro ambiguo andante...
ausencia doliente circundante...
recaída nimia en pensares...
desconozco el terreno que piso.

Día 08

...una remembranza vieja y novedosa...
alcohol y sangre...rojo y amarillo...
vuelvo a mi ser... perdido tanto tiempo...
me voy reencontrando... y aún
desconozco el terreno que piso...
y quiero que me tome de la mano aquel,
que me arrastre y me haga entrar incluso a donde temo,
pues mi finalidad es aquel, a quien mi reino pertenece.

Día 09

más alcohol, quimicos a mi alrededor
tarde callejera...
pensamientos certeros, temores fundamentados...
a ver que ocurre el día que sigue...


Día 10

Ira - Coraje - Decepción - Recaída


Día 11

Prácticamente lo contrario del día anterior.
La pintura se llevó la ira contenida...
llegó él... y más que cariño me fue mostrado esta vez...


Día 12

Me dispararon, se suspende este "diario" hasta nuevo aviso.

┼פ[Fiercely devoted to Tear]¤×┼

Escucho música sin oir nada... La voz de lo muerto me incita al vacío, la llama que arde no quema mi piel y tú ignoras como a tu sonrisa ansío en el cáliz colmado con nuestra hiel. esque tu carne me mantiene helada...

Día 00
Ira - Tristeza - Culpa - Ansiedad - Confusión - Aceptación - Intento

Un par de besos

Día 01

Hoy comenzé a ver diferente, me levanté con un miedo ancestral.
Esa clase de miedo excitante.

Cómo cuando se es pequeño y comienzas a andar solo por las calles.
Das un paso y luego otro, como la primera vez, te vas.

El primer columpio a solas, trepar por tubos, abrirse la cabeza.
Raspones en las rodillas, piel separada del cuerpo.

Día 02

No estuve tan dispuesta a trepar hoy, aún tengo miedo.
Estoy cansada, me absorbe el tiempo, me frustra el silencio.
Al menos escucho música en mi cabeza sin siquiera oír nada.

Día 03

Miedo, ansiedad, nerviosismo...
...primer paso... y no sé a donde me lleva...

Día 04
Divergencia, partición, estado elevado...
Segundo paso...¿Voy bien?
Cariño me fue mostrado, sonrisa inéquivoca del reflejo extraño del sentimiento anidado.
Cien besos de intercambio

Día 05

Fugaz sonrisa del rostro nebuloso que ostento.
Aún miedo.
"Estoy harta de la inercia recurrente del indicio contundente del idilio que adormece la torcida y cruda vida que a mi alma dio la herida que conduce inminente a la tortura reincidente del fuego ardiente del amor"
...tercer paso... me tiebla el pie...

┼פ[...reminicences]¤×┼

It's been a while since my last post...
i've been more and more absent in the world.



I'm just gonna let me die now... i don't see any meaning and any reason.



I dont' want to be the monster that i used to be...
that hideous being... with no feelings, no concerns, no one to care about, no one for hold on, no one to believe...



Yes... this past year... i rediscover feelings, and it hurts me in all kind of ways...
It hurts me 'cauze i'm to intense and pasionate in my doings...



i quit painting, writing, singing, sports, i've even quit to my beloved guitars, and my sword...

I can do werever the hell i want, with no efforts.. no sacrifice.. no nothing...

Empty success.

People used to came to me for the things i can do...
and i hate it, i really hate it... still i hate that...

But... there i found a few ones who doesn't care what can i do, and only like me... for me... my madness... my being... they don´t care about my letters, about my paintings.. about nothing... that was great for me...

and i started to value people... not all of course...

I even love someone... and that is the most painful thing i've found in this world...

My mind is broken at this point...

Facing another death of a loved one, traition of my beloved "almost-ten-years-friends", the same problems in house for more than two decades, pression at work..being stressed all time.. i have no safe-place... not even my own mind...

i'm so tired, bored.. i'm useless...

i used to need anyone, to love anyone, to care anyone...

But now i value a few people...
and i want to stay for them...

i'm falling in a depressive spiral in my so much beloved madness...

i know, that my mind is in a bad state rigth now, and i know that my perception is very distorted...

I need those people but i feel that i don't care to the ones i care... so i kept the silence... and broken me more...

Time is slow for me... for example if for you it passed a day.. for me... is like it passed 4 or 5 days or maybe more... that's the reason for that i can do many things in a short time... i'm not inspired or motivated like they say... i hate it too

I'm a little bit scared and surprised...

There has been years since the last time i painted in form... but yesterday i started to paint... i go to the storage room and pull out and old piece of wood... (i used to paint in wood a lot), it was the last one... and i started to draw... more and more and more...

Then i made some doodles... even using my rodin watercolors, and my old brushes... it was so strange...

I feel like i was having a "visual overdose" a reminiscence of my old precious Zeigeist... it posses me and drave me more mad... paint... paint... tube after tube... losing my mind between my goauche... inks... watercolors... paper... wood... water... MUSIC







It surprised me... there have been years since i paint before this... and i'm scared...

So scared...
I'm doing things that i quit... in not a renaissement way.. is more like a "let's do things i used to love for the last time before die"

Suicide has not left my mind.

Every dawn drowning my self in tears...
no more blades in my flesh... but it hurts more...

And then.. on weekends he appears, with his lovely smile... and i close more my heart...
i want to tell him!!
but i can't.. i feel i have no rigth to say something...

A few moments ago... i realized that i've always been wronged...
All people always tell me that i was wrong saying something, thinking something, that all me was wrong... my feelings, my tougths, my behavior.. my all...

Do i believe that?

They have told me so many times that i'm wrong that i really believe that now??

I don't care how patetic it sounds...

i need support and help from my loved ones,
but i feel they don't care to help and support me...

When someone hears me saying that... told me... "don't need anybody, did you hear what are you saying?" ... in such a form it sounds that is wrong to need and want somebodys...

Is it wrong??

My mind is getting worse, my body is getting worse.. my full "life" is shutting down..

and i still screaming in silence...

someone will dare... to stay with me?

This is how i look now...

┼פ[from to form or it was form to from??]¤×┼

Las últimas pilas de aquel vetusto polvo acumulado,
el viento sopla dispersando y borrando toda traza de ellas,
hay una ventana, hay una puerta, hay un pozo profundo,
hay un vacío enorme, una oscuridad flotante entretejida,
una aparentemente raída razón brillante y descontrolada,
una tremendamente loca emoción absurda y desconsolada...

The last lots of that ancient dust accumulated,
wind dispersing and removing all trace of them,
there is a window, a door, there is a deep well,
There is a huge empty, darkness floating interwoven,
a brilliant and seemingly uncontrolled rate frayed,
a tremendously absurd and crazy disconsolate emotion ...

古代の最後のトラックは、ほこりの蓄積
風の分散とすべてのトレースを削除する、
そこには、深されている窓、ドア、 、です
巨大なボイドは、暗闇の織り交ぜる浮遊です
制御されていないが、一見輝かしい率、擦り切れた
クレイジースリルとは途方もなくばかげた荒廃...

¿Que podría escribir hoy que no escribí ayer?
¿Podría alguien describir algo realmente nuevo?
O sólo somos rapaces violentos devoradores de palabras...
"Describes...con la precisión de un cirujano"...
¿Recuerdas la no tan lejana noche que me dijiste eso?
¿Entonces porque no haz escuchado los gritos en tu almohada?

What could I write today that I've not wrote yesterday?
Could someone describe something really new?
Or are we just violent raptors words eaters...
"You describes ... with the precision of a surgeon ...
you say that to me that not so far nigth, remember?
So why did you've not heard the screaming in your pillow?

今日私は昨日書いた書き込みができませんでしたか？
何か本当に新しい説明いただけますか？
ラプターズは暴力や言葉だけを食べている...
"外科医の精度を説明... ...
その夜、私に語ったのは、あまりにも遠いことを覚えているか？
だからこれを枕に悲鳴を聞いた？

Es mi voz desgarrada en el silencio atroz de mi garganta,
es tu silencio amargo resguardado en la mínima distancia,
son mis manos que tiemblan abrazando un demonio de humo,
son tus manos que queman desde lejos de mi piel ya muerta.

Is my voice torned in the appalling silence of my throat,
is your bitter silence in the minimum distance away,
Are my hands trembling in the embrace of a smoke demon,
are your hands burning from far my skin alredy dead.

私の声が私の喉のゾッとするような静けさの中で、破れている
あなたの沈黙の最小距離には、苦いです
私の手は悪魔の煙を受け入れる震えている
あなたの手を離れ、死人の中から自分の皮膚から解雇されています

┼פ[sometimes i don't even want to try...]¤×┼

I would like to start with something i read a long ago but i don't remember where..

Sometimes i look out at the sky, and i don't even want to try...

Ahh.... i was looking for a sort of restart... to put my "life" in order, or at least in a more functional form...

But it seems that they will never let me in peace... but i insist i just gonna let you die with your poisoned mouths!

My old scars opened once more.... my wounds... my blood... running in absent tears...
But that's what it has to be... i have a lot of blood to run out... bla bla bla...

My physical health is getting a little worse... but blah... i don't care much...

Well i still can't paint, and haven't finish my room but i take some bad quality furniture photos....

and here is a detail of the carved wood
Like i said in my last post rigth now i'm living in a storage room like xD
With my old furniture and other things but i have a little touch of my wicked glam with me...

This is one corner, with some bat stickers that i do at work, my brush, drawing sheets,some feathers and roses...
This is the book i'm reading, same of the above photo:

here's a description of the book...

Tanith Lee takes on the mantle of a contributor to Terri Windling's Fairy Tales Series of books with White as Snow, a dark and moody retelling of "Snow White" which also incorporates elements of the Demeter/Persephone myth.

Princess Arpazia is 14 when she is taken as a spoil of war by the warrior-king Draco and brought to Delphi in his kingdom in the south, where she becomes his queen. Protected all her life, she has no knowledge of the world outside her home.

In the shock of her experience, she withdraws from the world, indeed, from her own soul, becoming cold and remote.

The birth of her daughter seems to seal her off completely, and the child, named Candacis but called Coira, grows up under the care of nursemaids. She harbors a longing and a passion for her mother whom she rarely sees, a passion which goes unrequited.

Arpazia, meanwhile, finds that a young huntsman awakens her own passion, and she ventures into the woods at night where the old ways are practiced away from the disapproving eye of the church. There she becomes a queen of a different sort to the huntsman who returns Arpazia's desires which she does not recognize as love.

The familiar story unfolds with Lee's own dark and bittersweet twist: the incorporation of the myth of Demeter and Persephone. The two stories mesh wonderfully, giving the novel remarkable depth and dimension. The intricate dance of mother-daughter relationships is played out from rivalry through love to possessiveness as the cycle of life and death continues.

Curiously, the main characters of Arpazia and Coira are compelling although both are largely unsympathetic characters. They are both remote and nearly devoid of emotion and empathy. Their descent into a frozen, death-like spiritual and emotional state engages the reader's attention and sympathy, however. In keeping with the characterization, the plot unfolds slowly without dragging. Rather, the reader has the time to ponder the novel's deliciously shuddery intricacies.

As with other titles in the Fairy Tale Series, the dust jacket features a Thomas Canty cover.

I love the cover by the way... thank you ebay for let me put mi hands in this book n.n

In other thing the other day i bougth a new pair of shoes... is not the usual style of me... but.. i just love them n.n
I'm tired... i have a lot of work, stress, shit etc... rigth now... i dont' know if i want to try anymore...

┼פ[some life ~ a sort of]¤×┼

I wake up this morning...
early again...
but there's a huge diference with other days...

Since sunday i can sleep... really sleep, with no dreams but no nigthmares
I remember him and i smile so wide...
it is a smile that i never have before him...
And he have a smile... a pure smile that is only for and from me...

Who dares to interfiere with us?
i'll have no mercy with those fools, no compassion and no hate... i'm not like them
i'll let them die with their poisoned mouths...

I'm the sick Queen,
who rules over nigths and shadow forms...
dying in my jeweled throne...
But i found the cure of all my illnes...
and if i get my ceter again, all my power, all my faith...

I feel powerful, weak, still tired but powerful...

I keep my self wandering in the corners of my mind,
i get it and i lose it... oscilating between life and death...

I wake up this morning feeling so diferent from yesterday,
i pledge my alligance to my truth and my feelings for him...

I wake up this morning feeling so diferent from before...
i look at my side and my muse was lying in the bed with me,
giving me vissions of colors rage and unconcious blends...

I write the paint of the wine and the smoke... and i do a sketch of the illustration...
there's been a long, a very long time since the last time i do something similar...
maybe some years... if i keep this way maybe i can paint again someday and this wine & smoke will be my first....

I've been moving this last days... my new bedroom arrives... it's so pretty... but i hate the color in the walls i need to do some painting... maybe just change the color for a deep dark blue.. it'll make the wood contrast.... or maybe with some roses texture...in silver?...burgundy?... it has to combine with the persian rug... and i need beautiful courtains too.... and a bed set for the new bed... i want some black egyptian cotton sheets... hahaha i sound so expensive :P

Right now i'm living in like a storage room... with all my old furniture... i can't use my new bedroom until i finish it.

One of the good things of doing all this is that i found old clothes that i like so much n_n
some girly, some punk, some goth... some laceeee o_o that i forgot i have xD

Like today i wear an old pair of pants that i have since i was 14 o_o... and it still fits me :P...
or that mean that i was a fat teenager girl? xD

Anyway... finally the work is starting to calm down... so i still feel tired but not doing the big thing today..... well now is time to stop writing and lose my self with the music again...

Agartha is waiting me... my loyal beloved girlfriend... my very first true lover, my acoustic guitar... Askatasuna.. that beauty in red that used to be my adored electric girl... well she is no longer with me... but it wasn't a sad broke up.... i take her to other heart... a dear friend that need someone to sing to him, so i deep cleaned her and customize her for him... and i give her to him in his birthday, alog with her case, an amplifier, replacement strings, the plugs... an other things...

This is Askatasuna before i prepare her to him:




He needs more that fairlady than me... so i let her in his hands... an he seems to be a little happy with my beloved guitar so... it wasn't quite hard to give it to him... so i'm glad...

Besides, Agartha is still with me and maybe... when i finish to pay my furniture and the ipod i bougth for my brother birthday yesterday, i'll buy another electric girl to make me cry with her...

And this is Agartha undressed... she needs a make over, but is still very pretty n.n

┼פ[~proist!]¤×┼

me...

wine...

ricetto?

...where is my pinot noir?

wanna drink with me?

come, sit at my table... lets drink a little...

talk with me of all that wonderful lies that makes you live... i'll tell you about of the biggest lie of all... the true meaning of love....

Sopor Aeternus~

-Consider this: The True Meaning of Love-

Can I trust you, mortal boy?

You say, you love me - oh, sure you do - , but what exactly does this affirmation mean?

I do not have the slightest notion, no idea of what you understand by "love"and other terms as worn-outsuch as this old song and dance,you call romance.Quite different flowers grow indeedin my small semantic garden ... -so, let us see, if your good vowis more than just some chemical imbalance.

Is it worth the air you breathe,or will it be just another waste of time with you?

What I call "Love, precious and true",would you refer to this as sin,or crime and all that silly crap?

Now, let me put you to the test:

How often have I heard these words:"I love you so much, dearest dear,that I would die for you, right now, right here!"

Sure, doing this they're sitting pretty,but I say: piss on it,because this way is far too easy !!!

But: do you also have the strength to be there for me till the end?

Would you have courage, live for me,respect my wishes, my decree?

Would you defend me against the world,fight the doctors playing God,slap your priests, if they came near,or anyone who interferes ?!?

Is the version of your Love as true,that you would use all means within your powerjust to meet the urgent plea,that solemn, final wish for dyingof a helpless her or him,who lies in pain, who's suffering,now only begging for the end ... --is your "Love" that of a true friend?

If I lay crying in my bed,waiting, no longing for the end,if I decide my time has come,would you then be that trustful one to guard this chamber, break this shell,and free me from this living hell by making sure my death is swift.

Would you grant me that sacred gift ?!?

Now that you've heard it, let me know: Are you then willing to let go ?!?

Say: would you do all this for me,would you respect my wishes, my dignity?

Because that's what LOVE means to me !!!

┼פ[humanity~]¤×┼

There's been a while now...


I've writing about shouting so loud that the earth itselfs will turn her senses to my voice...

So loud that the windows of the impure souls will be broken...
and a lot of crappy similar things...

i keep wandering, and keep dying...

i was losing my heart... and now it seems that my heart is a total loss...

A lot of things has being passing... madness, deaths, smiles, a wonderfull little trip with that one... sadness, tears, rage, guilts... more and more depressing each one... even that smiles cuts me so bad...


i've quit to my blades... for that one i quit from bleeding... but now i feel like i desesperatly need to... but i keep my promise....instead he didn't even keep a single word.

He makes me live after my horrible torrid death so long ago... but he's killing me in a worse way... i'll live only for love.... and i'm now dying for it... i know it sounds so pathetic and like a shame bla bla bla...

I only have worked and stay in home for months... i don't see my "friends" anymore... i'm destroying every piece of "art" that i've made lately...

Sollitude and despair... i've been remembering a lot of things of my past -being-...attemps of suicide, me running away, they beating me... her nails hurting my face... my lost dreams and hopes...

I'm feeling so old now... so tired, so sick... in physical and spiritual/emotional ways...

All's so fucked up... but i'm so efficent in my work... the great designer... the gifted "child"... i don't like it... i hate it....i really hate me...

One of that days in my walk to work i found a newborn dead bird, and a skeleton of his brother... i would love to keep that beautiful skeleton and take it with me... but if i would taken from the ground only with my dirty hands... it would be broken now... and i prefer to lost his beauty in the streets than destroy it...

But i take a photo with my cellphone:

it isn't gorgeous???... even laying like that in the street he looks so beautiful... all his little blood stained bones...

And i look at me...i'm such a monster... the worse of all monsters... how can i dare to love and expect to be loved...? hopeless stupid dreamer...

He makes me discover humanity in me... and it hurts me so much... but he never know what he did because he never let me tell him... i need a certain tipe of confidence to talk about what's inside me and my feelings and i lose it very easily... he makes me lose that so often... and regain it with more strength...

But now and then... people are messing all within us... they make me belive lies and traitions, send me messages on line and on my cellphone, friends stabbing me making me feel like shit on porpously, one of my dearest familiars death...and his last words for me were "you haughty girl, you now not came even to say hello"... i was only trying to protect him of my mounstrosity... i can't go to his tomb... no this way... i'm a coward... pityful...

Arghhhh i'm losing my heart so badly!!!

It's easier to write this... here, no one read it... and if it is so no one cares...

I cast him tomorrow morning...after 15 day he didn't appear... if he comes... i'll tell him all this... other way... i'll trow away my heart and tell him au revoir... with all my pain and all my love... i'm just want to live... or finally die, i can't stand this agony anymore...

But no matter what happen...i'll always love him... if he stays with me... or if he finally let me down....

Outside is raining... i used to love the rain so much... now i just want to be the rain... the cry of the sky... the tears of the angels trying to clean my horrible sins...

I'm lying on my bed... next to the window, next to the rain...

i used to love the sound of the water falling against me, the roaring of the clouds... the singing of the wind...

now i just want to be outside... under the rain... there i can cry... no one will see my tears...