┼פ[humanity~]¤×┼

There's been a while now...


I've writing about shouting so loud that the earth itselfs will turn her senses to my voice...

So loud that the windows of the impure souls will be broken...
and a lot of crappy similar things...

i keep wandering, and keep dying...

i was losing my heart... and now it seems that my heart is a total loss...

A lot of things has being passing... madness, deaths, smiles, a wonderfull little trip with that one... sadness, tears, rage, guilts... more and more depressing each one... even that smiles cuts me so bad...


i've quit to my blades... for that one i quit from bleeding... but now i feel like i desesperatly need to... but i keep my promise....instead he didn't even keep a single word.

He makes me live after my horrible torrid death so long ago... but he's killing me in a worse way... i'll live only for love.... and i'm now dying for it... i know it sounds so pathetic and like a shame bla bla bla...

I only have worked and stay in home for months... i don't see my "friends" anymore... i'm destroying every piece of "art" that i've made lately...

Sollitude and despair... i've been remembering a lot of things of my past -being-...attemps of suicide, me running away, they beating me... her nails hurting my face... my lost dreams and hopes...

I'm feeling so old now... so tired, so sick... in physical and spiritual/emotional ways...

All's so fucked up... but i'm so efficent in my work... the great designer... the gifted "child"... i don't like it... i hate it....i really hate me...

One of that days in my walk to work i found a newborn dead bird, and a skeleton of his brother... i would love to keep that beautiful skeleton and take it with me... but if i would taken from the ground only with my dirty hands... it would be broken now... and i prefer to lost his beauty in the streets than destroy it...

But i take a photo with my cellphone:

it isn't gorgeous???... even laying like that in the street he looks so beautiful... all his little blood stained bones...

And i look at me...i'm such a monster... the worse of all monsters... how can i dare to love and expect to be loved...? hopeless stupid dreamer...

He makes me discover humanity in me... and it hurts me so much... but he never know what he did because he never let me tell him... i need a certain tipe of confidence to talk about what's inside me and my feelings and i lose it very easily... he makes me lose that so often... and regain it with more strength...

But now and then... people are messing all within us... they make me belive lies and traitions, send me messages on line and on my cellphone, friends stabbing me making me feel like shit on porpously, one of my dearest familiars death...and his last words for me were "you haughty girl, you now not came even to say hello"... i was only trying to protect him of my mounstrosity... i can't go to his tomb... no this way... i'm a coward... pityful...

Arghhhh i'm losing my heart so badly!!!

It's easier to write this... here, no one read it... and if it is so no one cares...

I cast him tomorrow morning...after 15 day he didn't appear... if he comes... i'll tell him all this... other way... i'll trow away my heart and tell him au revoir... with all my pain and all my love... i'm just want to live... or finally die, i can't stand this agony anymore...

But no matter what happen...i'll always love him... if he stays with me... or if he finally let me down....

Outside is raining... i used to love the rain so much... now i just want to be the rain... the cry of the sky... the tears of the angels trying to clean my horrible sins...

I'm lying on my bed... next to the window, next to the rain...

i used to love the sound of the water falling against me, the roaring of the clouds... the singing of the wind...

now i just want to be outside... under the rain... there i can cry... no one will see my tears...