┼פ[some life ~ a sort of]¤×┼

I wake up this morning...
early again...
but there's a huge diference with other days...

Since sunday i can sleep... really sleep, with no dreams but no nigthmares
I remember him and i smile so wide...
it is a smile that i never have before him...
And he have a smile... a pure smile that is only for and from me...

Who dares to interfiere with us?
i'll have no mercy with those fools, no compassion and no hate... i'm not like them
i'll let them die with their poisoned mouths...

I'm the sick Queen,
who rules over nigths and shadow forms...
dying in my jeweled throne...
But i found the cure of all my illnes...
and if i get my ceter again, all my power, all my faith...

I feel powerful, weak, still tired but powerful...

I keep my self wandering in the corners of my mind,
i get it and i lose it... oscilating between life and death...

I wake up this morning feeling so diferent from yesterday,
i pledge my alligance to my truth and my feelings for him...

I wake up this morning feeling so diferent from before...
i look at my side and my muse was lying in the bed with me,
giving me vissions of colors rage and unconcious blends...

I write the paint of the wine and the smoke... and i do a sketch of the illustration...
there's been a long, a very long time since the last time i do something similar...
maybe some years... if i keep this way maybe i can paint again someday and this wine & smoke will be my first....

I've been moving this last days... my new bedroom arrives... it's so pretty... but i hate the color in the walls i need to do some painting... maybe just change the color for a deep dark blue.. it'll make the wood contrast.... or maybe with some roses texture...in silver?...burgundy?... it has to combine with the persian rug... and i need beautiful courtains too.... and a bed set for the new bed... i want some black egyptian cotton sheets... hahaha i sound so expensive :P

Right now i'm living in like a storage room... with all my old furniture... i can't use my new bedroom until i finish it.

One of the good things of doing all this is that i found old clothes that i like so much n_n
some girly, some punk, some goth... some laceeee o_o that i forgot i have xD

Like today i wear an old pair of pants that i have since i was 14 o_o... and it still fits me :P...
or that mean that i was a fat teenager girl? xD

Anyway... finally the work is starting to calm down... so i still feel tired but not doing the big thing today..... well now is time to stop writing and lose my self with the music again...

Agartha is waiting me... my loyal beloved girlfriend... my very first true lover, my acoustic guitar... Askatasuna.. that beauty in red that used to be my adored electric girl... well she is no longer with me... but it wasn't a sad broke up.... i take her to other heart... a dear friend that need someone to sing to him, so i deep cleaned her and customize her for him... and i give her to him in his birthday, alog with her case, an amplifier, replacement strings, the plugs... an other things...

This is Askatasuna before i prepare her to him:




He needs more that fairlady than me... so i let her in his hands... an he seems to be a little happy with my beloved guitar so... it wasn't quite hard to give it to him... so i'm glad...

Besides, Agartha is still with me and maybe... when i finish to pay my furniture and the ipod i bougth for my brother birthday yesterday, i'll buy another electric girl to make me cry with her...

And this is Agartha undressed... she needs a make over, but is still very pretty n.n

┼פ[~proist!]¤×┼

me...

wine...

ricetto?

...where is my pinot noir?

wanna drink with me?

come, sit at my table... lets drink a little...

talk with me of all that wonderful lies that makes you live... i'll tell you about of the biggest lie of all... the true meaning of love....

Sopor Aeternus~

-Consider this: The True Meaning of Love-

Can I trust you, mortal boy?

You say, you love me - oh, sure you do - , but what exactly does this affirmation mean?

I do not have the slightest notion, no idea of what you understand by "love"and other terms as worn-outsuch as this old song and dance,you call romance.Quite different flowers grow indeedin my small semantic garden ... -so, let us see, if your good vowis more than just some chemical imbalance.

Is it worth the air you breathe,or will it be just another waste of time with you?

What I call "Love, precious and true",would you refer to this as sin,or crime and all that silly crap?

Now, let me put you to the test:

How often have I heard these words:"I love you so much, dearest dear,that I would die for you, right now, right here!"

Sure, doing this they're sitting pretty,but I say: piss on it,because this way is far too easy !!!

But: do you also have the strength to be there for me till the end?

Would you have courage, live for me,respect my wishes, my decree?

Would you defend me against the world,fight the doctors playing God,slap your priests, if they came near,or anyone who interferes ?!?

Is the version of your Love as true,that you would use all means within your powerjust to meet the urgent plea,that solemn, final wish for dyingof a helpless her or him,who lies in pain, who's suffering,now only begging for the end ... --is your "Love" that of a true friend?

If I lay crying in my bed,waiting, no longing for the end,if I decide my time has come,would you then be that trustful one to guard this chamber, break this shell,and free me from this living hell by making sure my death is swift.

Would you grant me that sacred gift ?!?

Now that you've heard it, let me know: Are you then willing to let go ?!?

Say: would you do all this for me,would you respect my wishes, my dignity?

Because that's what LOVE means to me !!!

┼פ[humanity~]¤×┼

There's been a while now...


I've writing about shouting so loud that the earth itselfs will turn her senses to my voice...

So loud that the windows of the impure souls will be broken...
and a lot of crappy similar things...

i keep wandering, and keep dying...

i was losing my heart... and now it seems that my heart is a total loss...

A lot of things has being passing... madness, deaths, smiles, a wonderfull little trip with that one... sadness, tears, rage, guilts... more and more depressing each one... even that smiles cuts me so bad...


i've quit to my blades... for that one i quit from bleeding... but now i feel like i desesperatly need to... but i keep my promise....instead he didn't even keep a single word.

He makes me live after my horrible torrid death so long ago... but he's killing me in a worse way... i'll live only for love.... and i'm now dying for it... i know it sounds so pathetic and like a shame bla bla bla...

I only have worked and stay in home for months... i don't see my "friends" anymore... i'm destroying every piece of "art" that i've made lately...

Sollitude and despair... i've been remembering a lot of things of my past -being-...attemps of suicide, me running away, they beating me... her nails hurting my face... my lost dreams and hopes...

I'm feeling so old now... so tired, so sick... in physical and spiritual/emotional ways...

All's so fucked up... but i'm so efficent in my work... the great designer... the gifted "child"... i don't like it... i hate it....i really hate me...

One of that days in my walk to work i found a newborn dead bird, and a skeleton of his brother... i would love to keep that beautiful skeleton and take it with me... but if i would taken from the ground only with my dirty hands... it would be broken now... and i prefer to lost his beauty in the streets than destroy it...

But i take a photo with my cellphone:

it isn't gorgeous???... even laying like that in the street he looks so beautiful... all his little blood stained bones...

And i look at me...i'm such a monster... the worse of all monsters... how can i dare to love and expect to be loved...? hopeless stupid dreamer...

He makes me discover humanity in me... and it hurts me so much... but he never know what he did because he never let me tell him... i need a certain tipe of confidence to talk about what's inside me and my feelings and i lose it very easily... he makes me lose that so often... and regain it with more strength...

But now and then... people are messing all within us... they make me belive lies and traitions, send me messages on line and on my cellphone, friends stabbing me making me feel like shit on porpously, one of my dearest familiars death...and his last words for me were "you haughty girl, you now not came even to say hello"... i was only trying to protect him of my mounstrosity... i can't go to his tomb... no this way... i'm a coward... pityful...

Arghhhh i'm losing my heart so badly!!!

It's easier to write this... here, no one read it... and if it is so no one cares...

I cast him tomorrow morning...after 15 day he didn't appear... if he comes... i'll tell him all this... other way... i'll trow away my heart and tell him au revoir... with all my pain and all my love... i'm just want to live... or finally die, i can't stand this agony anymore...

But no matter what happen...i'll always love him... if he stays with me... or if he finally let me down....

Outside is raining... i used to love the rain so much... now i just want to be the rain... the cry of the sky... the tears of the angels trying to clean my horrible sins...

I'm lying on my bed... next to the window, next to the rain...

i used to love the sound of the water falling against me, the roaring of the clouds... the singing of the wind...

now i just want to be outside... under the rain... there i can cry... no one will see my tears...