┼פ[...reminicences]¤×┼

It's been a while since my last post...
i've been more and more absent in the world.



I'm just gonna let me die now... i don't see any meaning and any reason.



I dont' want to be the monster that i used to be...
that hideous being... with no feelings, no concerns, no one to care about, no one for hold on, no one to believe...



Yes... this past year... i rediscover feelings, and it hurts me in all kind of ways...
It hurts me 'cauze i'm to intense and pasionate in my doings...



i quit painting, writing, singing, sports, i've even quit to my beloved guitars, and my sword...

I can do werever the hell i want, with no efforts.. no sacrifice.. no nothing...

Empty success.

People used to came to me for the things i can do...
and i hate it, i really hate it... still i hate that...

But... there i found a few ones who doesn't care what can i do, and only like me... for me... my madness... my being... they don´t care about my letters, about my paintings.. about nothing... that was great for me...

and i started to value people... not all of course...

I even love someone... and that is the most painful thing i've found in this world...

My mind is broken at this point...

Facing another death of a loved one, traition of my beloved "almost-ten-years-friends", the same problems in house for more than two decades, pression at work..being stressed all time.. i have no safe-place... not even my own mind...

i'm so tired, bored.. i'm useless...

i used to need anyone, to love anyone, to care anyone...

But now i value a few people...
and i want to stay for them...

i'm falling in a depressive spiral in my so much beloved madness...

i know, that my mind is in a bad state rigth now, and i know that my perception is very distorted...

I need those people but i feel that i don't care to the ones i care... so i kept the silence... and broken me more...

Time is slow for me... for example if for you it passed a day.. for me... is like it passed 4 or 5 days or maybe more... that's the reason for that i can do many things in a short time... i'm not inspired or motivated like they say... i hate it too

I'm a little bit scared and surprised...

There has been years since the last time i painted in form... but yesterday i started to paint... i go to the storage room and pull out and old piece of wood... (i used to paint in wood a lot), it was the last one... and i started to draw... more and more and more...

Then i made some doodles... even using my rodin watercolors, and my old brushes... it was so strange...

I feel like i was having a "visual overdose" a reminiscence of my old precious Zeigeist... it posses me and drave me more mad... paint... paint... tube after tube... losing my mind between my goauche... inks... watercolors... paper... wood... water... MUSIC







It surprised me... there have been years since i paint before this... and i'm scared...

So scared...
I'm doing things that i quit... in not a renaissement way.. is more like a "let's do things i used to love for the last time before die"

Suicide has not left my mind.

Every dawn drowning my self in tears...
no more blades in my flesh... but it hurts more...

And then.. on weekends he appears, with his lovely smile... and i close more my heart...
i want to tell him!!
but i can't.. i feel i have no rigth to say something...

A few moments ago... i realized that i've always been wronged...
All people always tell me that i was wrong saying something, thinking something, that all me was wrong... my feelings, my tougths, my behavior.. my all...

Do i believe that?

They have told me so many times that i'm wrong that i really believe that now??

I don't care how patetic it sounds...

i need support and help from my loved ones,
but i feel they don't care to help and support me...

When someone hears me saying that... told me... "don't need anybody, did you hear what are you saying?" ... in such a form it sounds that is wrong to need and want somebodys...

Is it wrong??

My mind is getting worse, my body is getting worse.. my full "life" is shutting down..

and i still screaming in silence...

someone will dare... to stay with me?

This is how i look now...